disloquitur

shitty day.

Fri, 16 May 2008 10:28:47 GMT

taking the brunt of the discontent of others leaves me feeling like I've nothing left to give, nothing left to lose.

duck duck

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 11:30:13 GMT

you still out there ED? drop me a line if so - i've lost your email. :)

rant-o-rama

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 09:08:58 GMT

thank you for the comments / condolences / etc. It is much appreciated.

I'm more worried about dad than I am about me.. he's still not doing to well, but then,he's going through his brother's stuff, when the guy should have lived another 10 years or so. I'm going down to Innisfail tomorrow to spend the weekend with him, so that at least I can be there to give him a hug & help with the cleaning etc. I don't know what else I can do, really.

My sister will not e coming over now. She's changed her mind.. apparently dad had offered to pay her flights, but she feels that it would be a better idea for him to spend the money on going over there later this year to have a holiday with them - spend time with the kids and everyone, not just her for the funeral time.. Think nothing of the fact that he needs the support & family around him now.. No. They can't bend to anyone else's needs... never have, never will.

Forgive me if that sounds narky, but this is the third time in four years that I have had to bear the brunt of one (or both) of my parents practically falling over because she thinks it would be better a different way, or can't be effing bothered..

gah.

Also this afternoon, I had to convince mum that 'it's worth' coming up for the funeral. Granted shehas her stuff to deal with as well, however, this is the funeral of a man who attended both of her parent's funeral's (when he didn't need to), also has been a good friend to her over the last 36 years or so. We're talking about the brother of her husband of 36 years - ignore the fact that my parents are now seperated - they are still friends, and I'm sure that dad needs to know that he still has friends - people that care about him, at very least. I have difficulty believing that my mother would be so closed as to assume that dad wouldn't want her there. Or for that matter, that John wouldn't appreciate the fact that she would make the effort for him. Or perhaps she thought that dad would not appreciate the fact that she would make an effort for his brother.

Welcome to the peanut gallery.

just realised..

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 05:53:38 GMT

Yesterday was the 20th March - one year to the day that Cyclone Larry hit Innisfail.. given that John lives in Innisfail, I thought that was rather odd..

further. I've decided to drop one subject at Uni & take a lighter load for the semester.. it extends my graduation date, but I really can't focus on so many things, and do well with all of them at the moment. Work is taking too much of my energy, and any changes I make there would be more gradual, and I need a more instant release from pressure at the moment. I can't change the fact that D is working away, and again, changing my perspective on that is a more gradual process. So, all that remains that I can 'get rid of' so to speak, is Uni. Given that it is the 21st March (ie: before the census date) I can drop a subject with no academic or financial penalty.

So I clicked the right buttons to do that about 15 minutes ago.

I dropped the law subject, not the policy one - I chose to keep the policy subject because I have more prior understanding of it than law.. law was doing my head in.

Have been trying to rest on & off this afternoon, but I haven't been able to sleep at all.. damnit.

RIP Uncle John

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 04:14:49 GMT

Dad's brother passed away in his sleep yesterday at around 2pm. Dad is coming up tomorrow, my sister is coming over again, this time with her husband, and mum will be coming up again too.

When it rains, it freaking pours.

Lets just say, not coping well with anything lately. D being away, new job ain't that great, and Uni might be too much for me, so .. I don't know.

hrm.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 09:54:12 GMT

Via Niv.

Moi:

My japanese name is 小島 Kojima (small island) 美晴 Miharu (beautiful clear sky).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

and..

His japanese name is 山田 Yamada (mountain field) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

islands, skies, mountains and generations...

Interesting. D is away. He has started his job out at the mines - two weeks on, one off. It's now 5 sleeps till he's home. I miss him. Horribly. Not all day every day, but I have moments where I seem to fall apart. That's both a good and a bad sign.

His mother sent me a txt today: "Hello Love. Do you have a husband again yet? And how are you managing? Lots of love R & T."

"Husband"?? Did I miss something? I don't remember being proposed to .. let alone a ceremony.

It is nice to be accepted by the family, that IS a very good thing... but sometimes, its a tad odd to accepted THAT much that she has us married already...

Speaking of which... it's almost time for the nightly phone call.. adios. Hope all is well.

long live.. something.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 11:16:31 GMT

Hi.

So today was my last day at work. I start the new job of Jan 8th. In between times, I have Christmas in Brisbane, and New Years back here.

It felt odd leaving today. I don't know if I can express it yet. Closest I can get is excited at the new challenge (and two weeks off), but really sad to be leaving the people there.

Further, My dad's best mate is in hospital - something to do with his lungs, though his family aren't yet sure of exactly what's wrong (well, at last contact they weren't, anyway). Zappo is kinda my god-father, and I'm more than a tad worried. He went in for an op this morning at 7.30 or something, and emerged from recovery at about 5pm. :(

I'm a bit off kilter tonight. The guys are watching some crappy kung fu movie & I'm bored. But at the same time, I can't think of anything I would want to be doing, and I can't think clearly full stop. I assume the combo of last day & more yet hospital dramas. I could really do without more hospital dramas.

I have so far received a perpetual calendar, pen & chocolate, a wall calendar, chocolates & coffee, an espresso machine, body shop strawberry body lotion, body butter & body wash, cash & a gift voucher for a massage as Christmas gifts.

le sigh.

Explanation

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 23:49:48 GMT

The last six months or so I have been feeling very stifled at work - the position I'm in there essentially (by it's very nature) locks me in to doing the same thing over and over and over... and I'm a person that needs variety in the work that I do. Also, in terms of advancement, I have been asking for (even a minor) step up to include both more responsibility and variety, however for one logistical reason or another, it hasn't happened every time. I love the people I work with, and I will miss them significantly, but I cannot stay there lest I do more damage to my sense of freedom and ambition. I have been slowly and quietly looking for other jobs for the last few months, however I have only seen one that was worth applying for (for my personal needs) and in this case, the application close date coincided with my grandfather's death and my final exam for the semester, so the application did not get submitted.

Then out of the blue, a previous employer contacted me, offered me my previous supervisor's position, with a salary package that consists of Au$4K more and 2 weeks leave more than I currently am on. The nature of the role includes more variety, advancement, there is flexibility within the organisation if needed, and car available as well. Also, given the study I'm doing (Governance & Public Policy), the position offers liaison with Government departments, and the organisation has links with local, state and federal members of Parliament. The position also offers internal and external training, reporting, staff supervision, and management of internal departments. The CEO of the organisation is heavily supportive of professional development opportunities, and there are still links with employment services as well.

Overall, it's an offer I cannot say no to at this time.

As I said, I will miss the guys I'm with at the moment, and branch management have not done anything wrong by me (though head office is another story), but I can't stay there any longer...

I realise that this is 'going back' in a sense, but it's moving up, and offering links to where I want to get to eventually, with more money in the mean time.

Public Announcement

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 09:07:22 GMT

I submitted my resignation today.

And I have another job to go to.

Woah.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 11:55:03 GMT

Ok. Enter shock mode. Got my results from this semester.
Dynamics of Governance: High distinction 7
Economic analysis & public policy: Distinction 6

yup. Colour me shocked.

In other news. We're looking at getting a cat. Not just any cat: a Bengal. I quite like them...

In other news again: Looks like D might be getting the new job he applied for out in the mines - it's a fly in-fly out position, and I'm not sure I'm happy about this. It's great money, and I want him to be happy, but I'm not sure how I'll go with the situation. anywho. He should find out for sure over the weekend or so.

Um. Oh. Knew there was something else.

Thanks for all the kind wishes following my last post. The funeral went quite smoothly despite the threat of family arguments and it was great to have the lot of them here etc. My sister came over from NZ for the week, and I haven't seen her since 2002, so that was really cool. Having mum here for over a week nearly drove me insane, and I worried a tad too much about having mum and dad in the same house once he arrived... And then also had trouble getting my final assignment for uni done at the same time (it was due the Monday following the funeral). Yep. As they say, when it rains, it pours.

That's my brief update for the moment. We shall see how things go over the weekend.. Yeah..

because I need some random crap at the moment..

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 11:02:23 GMT

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson.
But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader.
You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind.

You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it.
Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision.
You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions.

While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone.
A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times.
You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Even if the voices aren't real - they've got some great ideas

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Hah! Surprise surprise...

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 49%

Well, you don't have the worst job in the world, but it's not great.
And don't worry, you're not the problem - your company is.
Start looking around for another job, even if you're not totally fed up.
Because in time, you're going to be dying to quit!

Should You Quit Your Job?

Considering I *am* a Virgo...

You are 80% Virgo

How Virgo Are You?

Rest in Peace Frank

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 00:25:01 GMT

Granddad passed away at about 4.15am this morning. Thankfully, he went rather quickly, and passed peacefully in his sleep overnight.

Love you forever Frank.

so far stable

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:19:27 GMT

The operation went well, he has blood flow returned to his foot, but he seems to have cognitively degenerated. He already has a significant level of dementia, but he seems worse today than the last time I saw him before he went to hospital. He's slurring his words, which he has never done before, and there's very little recognition. When I went to see him last night, he seemed to barely recognise that there was someone there at all... This morning though, while he didn't call me by name (not even a wrong name), I did see a glimmer of recognition.

So much has happened in the last 48 hrs. I went to work yesterday and shouldn't have, but staying home would have made me feel useless, and if I went to the hospital in thr morning, I would have run into the horrible uncle that I never want to see again. But, by going to work, I got dragged into a court case. WTF? Yea... We had an incident at work just under a year ago, and it has finally come up for trial (a client made threats, etc, etc)... So yesterday consisted of 8-5.30 work, home for a bit, to the hospital for an hour so so, then down to the police station to make a statement.. then home, a couple of phone calls, pace around the house for a while, and then to bed. Called in sick for today and tomorrow.

Spoke to mum at about midday, and here's the next installment: my uncle in Townsville (who has previously been diagnosed with throat cancer) may be out of remission, and has to go to Brisbane for scans sometime in the next week.. So mum is kinda torn between seeing her father, and her brother.. If she stays in Brisbane to see her brother, it means that the load for granddad is left with me.. and I can't tell her to not see him, I know she needs to.

Thing is, I'm not sure if I have enough strength and energy to deal with granddad...

Oh yea.. I have an assignment for uni due Monday. I called & got an extension for that though. Thank you to the gods at UQ.

When it rains, it fucking pours...

optionality - if the fate of human life was in your hands.. what would you do?

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:10:27 GMT

so today. Today I had to make a decision regarding the fate of my grandfather. I got a call from mum this morning at 7.50am - I was already at work, but he had just been taken to hospital with a serious blood clot in his lower left leg. After much fluffing about, talking to nurses, doctors and surgeons, I (as the only blood relative living in the same town) had to decide between the following options:

Option 1. A fairly minor operation to remove the clot. Now this option has several possibilities and consequences:
a) given his general health, going under an epidural, he may have difficulty with recovering from the operation as a process (possibility of heart problems during, or developing pneumonia following surgery);
b) the operation may not work - there's no guarantee that the entire clot would be removed, and that it would not reform following the operation;
c) if it does work, all good. No further action required.

Option 2. Major surgery to amputate the lower part of his left leg.
a) this would completely remove the possibility of the clot recurring, and given his general lack of mobility anyway, the disability would not be much of a problem to him.
b) given his general health, he would me more likely to have problems with a general anesthetic and major surgery again heart/pneumonia;

3. Do nothing (almost). Let the clot stay, make him comfortable (pain-free), the foot goes gangrenous, he eventually dies from various septic infections. This does not include the problems associated with surgery/anesthetic however it's also not a nice way to go.

4. Should the clot reform following Option 1, we would have to follow with either Option 2 and amputate; or Option 3 and do nothing. Taking option 1 + 2 would mean putting him through not one, but two surgeries in a few weeks, giving him less chance of long-term survival, and higher chance of heart/pneumonia issues.

I've not had a good day.

I went with Option 1. If it works, it works, and we've removed something that is causing pain, and have removed the potential for the situation to worsen. However, if it doesn't work, (following discussion with my mother, and aunt & cousin) we'll go with Option 3. There's no point in putting him under that much stress to remove a problem, where the cure may kill him as easily as the disease.

He went in for surgery at 2.30pm, and came out of recovery at 5.30pm - so far so good. He's been stable since the operation, and his foot is showing signs of improvement. However this doesn't mean that he's out of the water - we still need to see if it reforms, and does he develop further complications?

Time will tell, I hate waiting...

H@GY#G#%(*&

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 12:47:05 GMT

I'm trying to write an assignment on governance modes as relates to social welfare policy, but there's an internet cafe in my lounge room. It's getting really difficult to concentrate. Agh!

PS. Just realised how long it is since I've posted. Wow. um. I'm still alive? back later.

blah

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 11:25:08 GMT

feel like crap, don't know what i'm thinking about, but things just aren't right. it's alright, but it's not right? does that make sense? i've been retro-tagging my past entries, but really, i'm just finding things to de before i go to bed to toss and turn for another seven hours before i get up and repeat today. apparently i was "really restless" last night. there's so much going on, i don't know what to think about next. property&build, or buy existing? give up smoking? uni? stuff from brisbane? need to go to a dentist? the fact that i feel lonely some days?

while retro-tagging - i found this snippet...

I want you to let me in again. I don't like being left in the rain. I need contact. Though it is there, it doesn't feel real. I don't know what real is anymore.

strangely apt. i feel stuck. i've somehow gotten to here, and i don't [but i kinda do] know where to go from here. i have options, sure, but which? for how long do i follow that chosen path? why am i bothering to choose? shouldn't things just flow anyway? why do i have to make it all happen? i understand that no-one is going to make it happen for me, but why is it always left up to me?

arg. weekend over.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 08:53:10 GMT

Well, an impromptu long weekend. Most would go 'WOO!' but on this occasion I had plenty to keep me busy.

Exam No. 2 due 5pm today. Completed.

View property we might buy. Much discussion about the potential purchase of property. Completed, but more to do.

Birthday lunch. Completed. Very nice.

Vote. Completed. Congrats to Beattie et al.

Receive delivery of all of my stuff that has been in storage in Brisbane. ~~Yet to complete.~~ Completed. Stuff was supposed to arrive this morning, hence my reasoning for arranging an extra day off in the first place. However, first contact this morning ETA was 4pm, secon contact ETA was 9am tomorrow. third contact ETA is 7pm tonight.

My domain is down, and my webhost is not online. My emails are down too. hrm. I think my domain has expired, but I haven't received any communicaation regarding renewal...

From this point forward, consumption of alcohol is also on my list.

Call dad re his mate the builder, and then call the builder.

Have a good evening folks...

EDIT @ 9.14pm: Stuff arrived, called dad, called the builder, mum called back, unpacked some of my stuff, haven't eaten yet, still need to finish doing my nails.. and.. I need to collapse.

just because...

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 12:53:05 GMT

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere.
The tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World
Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarge your world
Mad World

dreams are wild and scary and symbolic and waking me up and stopping me from getting to sleep in the first place. there's too much running around in circles through the rabbit warren of my mind. happy birthday, its seven days away, and i don't think those that matter realise. ignorance is bliss i guess, if you're not on the receiving end of it. while thirty-one is nothing to sneeze at, its nothing to get too excited over, either. there are things looming, out of control and waiting to backlash against me if i'm not careful with how i go about it all. i need to talk about all this with someone, but it seems that those that could be talked to, are unavailable, and there is no one else. there's not much to say to someone who barely understands the situation in the first place, before adding the latest to the list. that list is getting longer and longer every day, but ignorance is still bliss, until it explodes in front of your face.

slow moving object.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 11:29:43 GMT

revised list.

*I am supposed to be in Brisbane Friday for a training seminar, ~~but head office haven't yet booked my flights. Joy.~~ and head office have booked my flights. I depart at 5.30am, and arrive home at 10pm. Joy. Looong day.
*I ~~may have to~~ should look into buying a house, and at that, a house I'm not sure I even like. Certainly, it's a house I don't feel totally comfortable in.
*Also, need to get my tax done, hence, may need to get to an accountant, though I *still* haven't even had time to try to find one.
*Weird dream last night, which I *still* haven't had a chance to analyse.
*~~Need to talk to someone about three of the above four, but I can never get the chance.~~ Talked last night about two of the above four. Feeling better.
*I have been called up for jury duty, and have to get my boss to write a letter.
*I'm *still* waiting for eBay sunglasses to arrive.
*I *still* have mail I need to send to mum.
*I *still* have a hell of a lot of reading to do for Uni, and I can't concentrate on any of it, due to the above issues creeping in and bothering me.
*I *still* have two books I've half-read instead of reading Uni stuff. Bad me.

hmm. Not much in the way of progress. Though, 'butt-crack of dawn' plane flight should give me time to read some uni stuff...

Wired

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:49:28 GMT

Let's see, make a list, it's easier to see things clearly, so they say.

*I am supposed to be in Brisbane Friday for a training seminar, but head office haven't yet booked my flights. Joy.
*I may have to look into buying a house, and at that, a house I'm not sure I even like. Certainly, it's a house I don't feel totally comfortable in.
*Also, need to get my tax done, hence, may need to get to an accountant, though I haven't even had time to try to find one.
*Weird dream last night, which I haven't had a chance to analyse.
*Need to talk to someone about three of the above four, but I can never get the chance.
*I have been called up for jury duty.
*I'm waiting for eBay sunglasses to arrive.
*I have mail I need to send to mum.
*I have a hell of a lot of reading to do for Uni, and I can't concentrate on any of it, due to the above issues creeping in and bothering me.
*I have two books I've half-read instead of reading Uni stuff. Bad me.

Geh. Why are things never simple?

gah

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 12:58:07 GMT

fuck it all to hell. there's no point in trying. probably a momentary feeling, but its the truth of the moment.

can i say the words i feel?

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 11:06:37 GMT

...without baulking at them, that is. i nearly choke on the feelings, let alone trying to get the words out. i feel, therefore i cannot breath. reading the clue left me gasping for air, shaking and quivering and filled with the angst of almost-but-not-quite losing something you have become oh-so-attached-to. its insidious. i didn't notice it arrive in my life, but it crept up and swallowed me whole, leaving me living inside the belly of the beast i used to fight so hard to stay away from.

this is not all as bad as it may sound. it is difficult to believe, but i am truly submissive to the feeling. emote.

courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of fear. that which i have feared most has become such a part of my life that cannot see my way clear without it.

it is growth, that is all, and acceptance is all i need to cope with it. the sudden realisation of the thing's existence is what made me choke, not the thing's existence.

i have learnt to live with it, now i have to learn to live with my knowledge of it.

that is all.

why, hello

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 01:42:41 GMT

mucho to reporto.

1. I love holidays. I spent a week & a half in the Brisvegas. Caught up with Chrissy, my mum, niveau, and a few others. Short points:

Brisbane in no longer 'my town'. I found it kind of annoyed me, I guess I've gotten used to the laid-back attitude of Cairns.

I am so glad I am no longer with my ex. 5 min was enough to make me realise how great D is.

niveau is a fabulous host.

My mother needs to calm herself down and accept that she will not always have all the answers to everything. She drove me nuts with a million questions she 'needs' to have answered.

The application is in. Waiting to hear back. What for? It's my application for a Post-graduate Diploma in Governance & Public Policy with UQ. Wish me luck.

I have a lot of crap I no longer need in storage. Though the stuff is now at my mum's place, I still wonder why I paid so much, for so long, to keep the stuff I don't want. *cue Fight Club* "The things you own, end up owning you."

If iI have to look at one more bridesmaid dress, I will kill her. I love her, but I'll do it.

2. I got home Wednesday night (late, thank you to flight controllers in Melbourne going on strike), to find that the flatmate Ben is not home yet, D had missed me :D, and that nothing much changes in a week and a half, apart from a whole lot of gardening..

3. Went for a wander yesterday, went in to work briefly, just to say hi. They're all stressed and according to them, 2 things were apparent. A. I look so relaxed, and B. My hair has grown 'Heaps - it's so long!" From there, I went to Civility, for a facial. Lovely. That really was great, highly recommended for anyone considering it.

4. Have an appointment this afternoon for a pap smear. Again, please wish me luck. Though there 'shouldn't' be anything wrong, I'm always nervous about it. This is all part of my "I still have time off & I'm doing things I've been meaning to do for a while, but never get time to get around to" plan for the last few days of my leave.

Enjoy your days, pretty people.

heh, it's cute how they think i care :)

Wed, 10 May 2006 10:26:19 GMT

However, gacked this from djs_specs

How to make a dislocate

Ingredients:

3 parts success

5 parts humour

3 parts instinct

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I am alive, working rediculous hours. tired.

Edit:

oh, oh, oh!! My leave was approved yesterday, and I have yet to book flights, but! *Drumroll* I shall be in Brisbane for the 3rd June - 14th June (haven't decided on the exact date I'm leaving - depends on flights.) I have my friend's engagement party on the 3rd, which is my main reason for coming down, but, I will be there, nonetheless.

aargh.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:13:12 GMT

playing with lj designery again, and I can't get it to do what i want. I can find all the info i need, just can't think of how to put it all together...